I've decided that cuteness is directly proportional to behavior.

You see, when it comes to just plain physical adorableness, you can't get much cuter than my daughters. (In my humble opinion). Sometimes, when we are out and about, we are deluged with comments from people about how cute they are. Other times, no one says anything to us. I know those big brown eyes and chubby little cheeks don't actually change from day to day. But strangely enough, the compliments only come when the girls are behaving themselves. Imagine that!

Case in point: last week I woke up and discovered that my baby (and thus my belly) seemed to have grown several inches overnight. So we headed to Old Navy to try and find a couple cheap maternity shirts that would actually fit me. The girls were just awful the whole time we were there. They argued over who got to ride in the cart; they whined when I told them to sit still; they cried when I told them to be quiet. The appropriate thing to do would have been to turn around and go home, thus teaching the girls a lesson about the consequences of inappropriate behavior, and sparing the other people in the store from hearing their whininess. Instead, I stayed. I was THAT mother. The one with the screaming children that everyone hates. I just really needed some shirts and I was not ready to leave without them, crying kids or no.

No one told me that my children were cute that day.

The following day, we went to Costco, and the girls were angels *. They smiled sweetly and held hands with each other in the shopping cart. People everywhere beamed upon them and showered us with compliments on what cute little girls they were.

Playing quietly and happily together, even if it is under my desk=cute

You see what I'm talking about here? The girls' actual cuteness did not change from Thursday to Friday. People's perception of said cuteness did. Bratty kids are never cute, no matter how physically attractive they may actually be. Sweet, happy kids are automatically perceived as cuter. I guess Peter knew what he was talking about when he told us to strive for the "imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."

Screaming her head off, all red-faced and snotty=not so cute.

Another factor that influences perceived cuteness is the age of the child; the younger the child, the cuter he or she is. Newborn babies are people-magnets--everyone wants to ooh and ah over them. As children get to look more and more like actual people and less like cuddly, big-eyed, fluffy-haired little creatures from another world, cuteness decreases.

To be cute, kids also need to meet certain minimum standards of personal hygiene. Stinky diapers are not cute. Snotty noses and tangled hair are not cute either. If your child is in the midst of eating something messy and has ketchup or chocolate or ice cream smeared all over himself during the process, that is cute; but if it's an hour later and there is still nameless gunk smeared all over him, the cuteness factor goes waaaay down.

Clothes are not really a factor in overall cuteness, I find. When my girls are all gussied up in dresses and hair ribbons for church, people do say they are cute. However, people also tend to think it's really cute when it's clear from Beth's outfit that she has selected it herself, even though it may be kind of ridiculous (say, for instance, a sundress paired with sneakers, a tiara, and a big tacky plastic necklace around her neck; or yesterday's outfit, when she wanted to be "all red" and wore red capri pants, a turtleneck in a different shade of red that did not match the pants, and red rubber boots). Even though she looks weird, she's still perceived as cute. I have a feeling this tolerance for odd outfits will diminish with age as well. It's not as cute when a 12-year-old wears completely clashing clothes.

So, here's my new equation to determine whether or not your kids are cute:

Good behavior+young age+physical cleanliness=extreme cuteness.

Bad behavior+slightly older+stinky, snotty, or dirty=not at all cute.

* (a thought: perhaps the good behavior is because Costco has carts big enough for both of them to sit in at once, and also because we got hot dogs while we were there. A supplemental equation: Not requiring them to share+giving them food=happy children=good behavior=lots of cuteness).